i remember about a week ago when i went home for a few days again.
Had time to catch up with my brother and lea and see that things aren't really changing there.
Yeah that is the place i live but i feel like a total stranger there this summer.
Lets just say that in April i lost my license again. I thought that i was about to undergo the worst, most painful time of my life again. The time when you feel completely alone, your best friends are still there but you never see or talk to them at all and sometimes its all up to you to call them and see how they are doing and how their lives are going but after trying and trying they don't understand the effort you're making and it all just falls apart. I was forced to quit the job i had due to lack of transportation, however it was a dead end for me there anyways (as it seems to be for everyone else). i worked for a while, got paid and handed the money to my dad. He himself has been struggling alot worse than me. He's been working and fighting to support his family since 12 years old when he quit school to start working. Picked up a pack of cigarettes and scored as much change as he could daily so he could help his mother put food on a table of at least 9 kids (i cant remember). I'm sitting here writing this, its now 1:16am and i've taken so many breaks to think whether i should or should not even attempt to put more words down, get further, or even finish. I've put my hands on my head too many times. My body temperatures changed from 20 minutes ago. my armpits are hot, my face is oily, my contact lenses ask for lubrication as i stare at the screen, my vision is fading, my fingertips are sliding on this keyboard, and my process of thinking keeps changing direction. I'll try again.
Sometimes you get shut down and all my problems seem to happen at the same time. Then you get problems that you've never even bothered. You think there's something in store for you, you build yourself up to that level, make yourself believe in words you never heard before just to one day discover that you were led on for no stupid reason. You were only a flag on a pole calling someone out. Asking for someone's attention. You go "home" after a whole day of disappointment just to hear about more problems and things that matter going all wrong all the time....
I'm straying away from my first incentive to write this.
it'll only get worse from here.
maybe i'll write more someday.
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