long live the king

a trip

Its three 3:46 am and I’m very tired. I don’t know what time it will be when I finally get done writing this. I don’t even know why I am writing this. I guess you could call it fear. I spent the whole night on lea’s laptop listening to music and browsing the Internet. Throughout the whole day I had been telling myself that I would work out an easy and not very strenuous plan before I went to bed. So, as 12:30am or so rolls by I tell myself its time to get to it and to the garage I go. I get there, turn on some madball, get right to it. Did some arms and shoulders, a little bit more than I should have I think. About 1:20am I come back upstairs feeling completely fine, grab a pair of underwear and off to the shower I go. Take of my clothes, take off my glasses (which I happen to be wearing too much lately) get in the shower. Feels real good. I put some shampoo on my head. I can’t see anything without my glasses on. So I start scrubbing my body, no soap or anything just yet. I went to feel my testicles and every time I do some sort of sports or anything my right testicle for some odd reason always sit a little farther down than the left. So I go to grab it and just kind of pull it forward and then it struck me. This weird feeling I guess could be called pain but it was minimum. So I continued to feel to check if anything was wrong but nothing was wrong at all, I couldn’t visually see it due to my glasses being far away and everything was blurry. Then, out of nowhere I felt sick to my stomach as if something poisonous was just let loose in my body and it traveled from my nuts to my brain. i was getting the feeling where I had to throw up but there was no gagging or gasping for air. All the sudden it clicked. This had never happened to me but I knew right there and then something was wrong. As I continue to feel sick my vision started going out. Everything around me started turning white. I was already seeing nothing as it is and this was not a good sign. The hot water was hitting my head so I decided to stick my head fully in the water and wash off the shampoo so I could get the hell out of there and ask for help. Everyone in the house is asleep at this time but I still would not hesitate to wake someone up by either running to their room naked, or screaming for help. As the shampoo comes off my head I realize im getting dizzier and dizzier and dizzier so I grab the glass door top so I wont collapse. By this time, the entire red bathroom had turned white. I could not make any objects out. I just kept on holding on and asking god not to let this happen. I immediately realize I need to get out of there. Thus I reach down and shut off the water and as the water slowly stops dripping im slowly regaining my vision back. I see the water switch thingy. I look up and open the door still completely groggy. I grab my towel and just throw it around my body real quick barely even drying it. I haven’t felt my nuts since I started feeling stomach sick and that’s the last thing I want to do right now. By this time i put my glasses on and see that I can still see everything meaning im regaining my senses. My heart is pounding. I put my underwear on and run to my room. Its 1:45am, I do not want to wake anyone up. Besides, I already feel better. I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling for over 30 minutes thinking of what I just went through, thinking of what’s wrong with me. I can’t go to the doctor right now because my insurance only starts covering my high expenses after November 10th. I don’t know what im going to do. I think the best thing is to be “crippled” for a while and just lay in bed waiting for time to pass praying to god that nothing is terribly wrong with my insides and that everything will be back to normal soon. Its 4:30am right now and im feeling completely fine but scared shitless to go to sleep. I think one thing is for sure. I’m going to be out of shape for a while because I will not work out again anytime soon. Maybe I’ll do some chest but I will not do anything standing up at all. If this is what passing out feels like I don’t want to feel it again. It felt as if death and I had a staring contest and I almost blinked first. Wake me up if I fall asleep.

fuckin' stupid!

fails

i once peed 3 times while on the phone with someone
that might have been the biggest waste of my time

a day with the fam

where am i?

my brother got his 'green card' in the mail today.

goosebumps everytime

If it wasn't enough

On this past tuesday my brother had his second interview with the immigration people and everything was going good until he was missing his i94(the slip you receive when you come in here and it tells you how long you can stay). They demanded it and he showed proof of the receipt he has saying that he paid for a new one but just never received it. The lady (who had been real nice the entire interview) walks out of the room, is gone for five minutes. She walk back in and says "everything checked off right. You'll be receiving your green card in 30-60 days. congratulations!"

11 years.
the first one in my family.
My heart had never pumped so hard.

But tonight, july 25, 2:30 am, i am not feeling as happy as i was.
been talking about when i moved here way too much; not hanging out with my best friend enough; being used after being used after being used after being used; i can't stop thinking aboutsomeone; can't skateboard, can't work out, can't be in shape; money is putting a hurtin on me; i hate the place i used to love; summer is over for me.

All these songs...
All these friends...
All the rides and the couches i get...
You keep me sane you keep me straight...
I could never thank my friends enough.






have heart - the same son
brand new - jesus
lucero - wasted
mxpx - gsf



you suck
i suck

American Beauty

Its Wednesday, July 16th, 12:50 am, my cousins 17th birthday.
i remember about a week ago when i went home for a few days again.
Had time to catch up with my brother and lea and see that things aren't really changing there.
Yeah that is the place i live but i feel like a total stranger there this summer.
Lets just say that in April i lost my license again. I thought that i was about to undergo the worst, most painful time of my life again. The time when you feel completely alone, your best friends are still there but you never see or talk to them at all and sometimes its all up to you to call them and see how they are doing and how their lives are going but after trying and trying they don't understand the effort you're making and it all just falls apart. I was forced to quit the job i had due to lack of transportation, however it was a dead end for me there anyways (as it seems to be for everyone else). i worked for a while, got paid and handed the money to my dad. He himself has been struggling alot worse than me. He's been working and fighting to support his family since 12 years old when he quit school to start working. Picked up a pack of cigarettes and scored as much change as he could daily so he could help his mother put food on a table of at least 9 kids (i cant remember). I'm sitting here writing this, its now 1:16am and i've taken so many breaks to think whether i should or should not even attempt to put more words down, get further, or even finish. I've put my hands on my head too many times. My body temperatures changed from 20 minutes ago. my armpits are hot, my face is oily, my contact lenses ask for lubrication as i stare at the screen, my vision is fading, my fingertips are sliding on this keyboard, and my process of thinking keeps changing direction. I'll try again.
Sometimes you get shut down and all my problems seem to happen at the same time. Then you get problems that you've never even bothered. You think there's something in store for you, you build yourself up to that level, make yourself believe in words you never heard before just to one day discover that you were led on for no stupid reason. You were only a flag on a pole calling someone out. Asking for someone's attention. You go "home" after a whole day of disappointment just to hear about more problems and things that matter going all wrong all the time....

I'm straying away from my first incentive to write this.
it'll only get worse from here.
maybe i'll write more someday.

Handlebars

I'm home, for a day at least.
i come home to the same old room with the same old walls and a mirror behind the door.
i come home to the same pictures same magazines same clothes on the floor..
no license, no job, no problem.
Dont care what so ever.
skateboarding is still my favorite.
even if my back is bent after it.
vans are awesome but dont last.
have heart and lucero is literally all i listen to.
i love graffiti and acoustic guitar competitions.
Most girls i meet nowdays are vegetarian.
random entry.
whatevs

i'll try

almost 5 am,
i've been alone on the computer with a guitar by my side all day.
i'm broke,
i have no money or any source of income at all.
i'm going backwards,
instead of making bills i am canceling things.
no end,
i see no end to being like this.
music plays,
lucero, mxpx, and have heart.


without any sarcasm in my head i can honestly say that 2008 is by far the best year of my american life. Now after reading the beginning you might ask "how is that possible?"
-great friends:best friends-
"J" named ones, college graduate ones, all sewn up with bad tattooes ones, and married ones.