goosebumps everytime

If it wasn't enough

On this past tuesday my brother had his second interview with the immigration people and everything was going good until he was missing his i94(the slip you receive when you come in here and it tells you how long you can stay). They demanded it and he showed proof of the receipt he has saying that he paid for a new one but just never received it. The lady (who had been real nice the entire interview) walks out of the room, is gone for five minutes. She walk back in and says "everything checked off right. You'll be receiving your green card in 30-60 days. congratulations!"

11 years.
the first one in my family.
My heart had never pumped so hard.

But tonight, july 25, 2:30 am, i am not feeling as happy as i was.
been talking about when i moved here way too much; not hanging out with my best friend enough; being used after being used after being used after being used; i can't stop thinking aboutsomeone; can't skateboard, can't work out, can't be in shape; money is putting a hurtin on me; i hate the place i used to love; summer is over for me.

All these songs...
All these friends...
All the rides and the couches i get...
You keep me sane you keep me straight...
I could never thank my friends enough.






have heart - the same son
brand new - jesus
lucero - wasted
mxpx - gsf



you suck
i suck

American Beauty

Its Wednesday, July 16th, 12:50 am, my cousins 17th birthday.
i remember about a week ago when i went home for a few days again.
Had time to catch up with my brother and lea and see that things aren't really changing there.
Yeah that is the place i live but i feel like a total stranger there this summer.
Lets just say that in April i lost my license again. I thought that i was about to undergo the worst, most painful time of my life again. The time when you feel completely alone, your best friends are still there but you never see or talk to them at all and sometimes its all up to you to call them and see how they are doing and how their lives are going but after trying and trying they don't understand the effort you're making and it all just falls apart. I was forced to quit the job i had due to lack of transportation, however it was a dead end for me there anyways (as it seems to be for everyone else). i worked for a while, got paid and handed the money to my dad. He himself has been struggling alot worse than me. He's been working and fighting to support his family since 12 years old when he quit school to start working. Picked up a pack of cigarettes and scored as much change as he could daily so he could help his mother put food on a table of at least 9 kids (i cant remember). I'm sitting here writing this, its now 1:16am and i've taken so many breaks to think whether i should or should not even attempt to put more words down, get further, or even finish. I've put my hands on my head too many times. My body temperatures changed from 20 minutes ago. my armpits are hot, my face is oily, my contact lenses ask for lubrication as i stare at the screen, my vision is fading, my fingertips are sliding on this keyboard, and my process of thinking keeps changing direction. I'll try again.
Sometimes you get shut down and all my problems seem to happen at the same time. Then you get problems that you've never even bothered. You think there's something in store for you, you build yourself up to that level, make yourself believe in words you never heard before just to one day discover that you were led on for no stupid reason. You were only a flag on a pole calling someone out. Asking for someone's attention. You go "home" after a whole day of disappointment just to hear about more problems and things that matter going all wrong all the time....

I'm straying away from my first incentive to write this.
it'll only get worse from here.
maybe i'll write more someday.